I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
