My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
