mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
