hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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