Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
