I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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