see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
