You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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