Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
