Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You've changed since you got that strap on
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
