dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she told me i tasted like america
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
