Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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