the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
