I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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