Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
