Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
