i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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