my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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