So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
