hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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