I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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