Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
