billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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