Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
