My cat gives me a boner
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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