Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
