i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
