The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
whose parrot is this?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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