Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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