Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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