i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
