planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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