I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
