i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you would pick up someone in the library
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
