i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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