i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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