Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
