wakey wakey hands off snakey
Soap is not a condiment
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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