Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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