can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
