Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
