I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
