This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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