when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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