dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
