A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
