chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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