The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
