saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
