Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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