those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
